Is it Really Greener??

If you have a history of failed relationships. Have strayed once or twice from the monogamy track or just plain given up on a relationship then you are joined by me and I'm sure by more then a handful of others.

I was thinking just the other day about why? Why did I stray? why was I not able to keep it in my pants? why was I a dick?

The truth is I have a terrible memory of exact events so I don't think I will ever really know but I have a great recollection of how I was feeling at the time. Feelings...men shouldn't have those right?

This could be where the problems start. Us men are driven by our ego. It is weak to show emotion, you will be ridiculed for feeling and worse preyed upon by the playground bully if you do and we never really grow out of that until we get old enough to realise that those bullies have just as much baggage as the rest of us and a good slap would probably have sorted them out but I digress.

In my experience I have taken this into relationships unknowingly and then struggled to find peace in those relationships. Building a trust and a bond that shapes the environment to be safe enough to be vulnerable (god I hate that word) YOU.

When you look at narcissistic people they have a real talent for breaking people by belittling them. Undermining their confidence and taking huge chunks out of their ego's. It's an extreme example but I have found myself in situations where I have found my ego dented or at the time crushed. It's very difficult to find that person who gets you. Accepts you for who you are and just understands your needs.

My thought process to this point was why did I find comfort in others when I should have had it with my partner. Scouring through my relationships it almost always came down to a bruised ego. Whether it be asking to experiment in the bedroom to having my finances questioned behind my back my ego had been dented, my trust and vulnerability (🤬) broken and I felt quite down at those times. The people who I thought loved me actually weren't even on the same page as me.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing and possibly just be older and wiser you realise that a good conversation would probably have avoided a lot of heartache but a 25/30/35 year old version of me had a very large ego and no inclination to address his feelings.

The interesting thing I unearthed is that I always found myself with people who understood me. Enjoyed being with me, and who I had no trouble telling them how I felt. If anything being able to confide in someone was a release and a huge burden was lifted while it lasted.

Sitting here at 46 years old reminiscing about these times what did I actually learn. First let me share with you some wise words from someone very important to me who I respect deeply.

Lying in a hotel room I asked "Why did you decide to rekindle your relationship? Were you not happy with the decision you made?

The reply was succinct and almost poetic: "I realised I was just exchanging one persons shit, for someone's else's. And truth be told. I like the shit I already knew about".

And that was that. Topic closed and consigned to the history books. Invariably we all get to a point in our relationships when we start to check out the grass on the other side of the fence. It looks green, lush and inviting. Having your ego dented like mine can drive you to hop over and roll around a bit.

Before you vault over the national footpath gate and into that green green grass of George Ezra's let's run through a quick checklist.

Could you put your ego aside and just speak up? Let her know what you are feeling, what you are thinking and the reasons behind your disengagement. That's what happened to me. Every time I felt wronged I pulled back a little further. The bum slaps stopped, the spooning in bed stopped then the kissing stopped.

Could you go on an adventure together? I had a lovely conversation with someone a little while ago where her and her husband were having some troubles. Mainly down to medical reasons but the withdrawal sounded the same. He was struggling, wasn't interested and they decided she could pursue sensual massage. She stumbled upon tantric massage, fell in love with the whole tantric scene and was so into it she wanted to bring her husband along. After a bit of back and forth he agreed and now they are pursuing the tantric lifestyle together and enjoying each other once more.

I'm not saying that would work for everyone but I see so often and hear to much that people aren't happy. When quizzed it almost always comes down to not investing in each other and your relationship. Sometimes you have to accept that it's over and move on. I've had to do that plenty of times and you will be ok and probably find the person that understands you when you least expect it.

Adding some spice, making time for each other and learning what each other likes, feels and their ambitions is always evolving. We age, we change, our bodies change, our priorities change making this adventure through life just that little bit more interesting. Rather than throwing the towel in because you got your feelings hurt why not take the bull by the horns. If you are struggling with intimacy just say so. Find a coach or a therapist that can help you. Learn some new skills that you can use together to rebuild that fun, passionate side of your relationship. Try sensual massage. Try Tanta. Try some freaky BDSM night out if that the thing you have been scared to share.

Communicate, prioritise your relationship and invest in your happiness however that manifests itself. If I can help in any way please comment or send me a whatsapp and I will do my very best.

ALL FINGERS & THUMBS

Gareth

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