Why Are Men So Bad At Intimacy
In this blog I try to work out why men are notoriously bad at intimacy.
7/13/20263 min read
Traversing the never ending supply of advice from men and women on how to become more intimate quite frankly is boring. A plethora of advice on where to touch, how to talk, where to whisper and how to be more engaged in your relationship always gives me the same felling. It's just a bit shit!
From the local lothario talking you through how he worships woman, caresses her armpit while sliding his toes on her back and talks you through his tried and trusted road map to success to the Dear Deirdre column getting you to cry over emmerdale. It's all very serious and also very wrong.
In my experience fun is the key to successful intimacy. Yes you need to be in your relationship. They take a hell of a lot of work. At least they do if you and your partner are not in sync yet.
My partner and I have been to a few of Intimacy Matters massage socials. We have been to a few adult parties and clubs. We have even popped over to Norway for naughty weekend and it is amazing to see so many couples attempting, and succeeding in having fun. Respecting each other, communicating what they want and going and getting it.
Now I'm not suggesting you go and hit a swingers club and jump into a gang bang. But the lessons here are simple ones. It blows my mind that anyone would be in a relationship and not want to treat the other person with respect, love and want them to be happy. And giving them mind blowing orgasms definitely makes them happy.
But amazingly that is a piece of advice that I see most intimacy coaches lead with. but if that is where your at then be nice.
Lesson 2 is 100% time. I do believe that you have to make time for intimacy. Whenever we are not good at something we tend to just avoid it. Sweep it under the carpet and play dumb. Sadly intimacy, connection and sex are a necessity and something everyone wants. I hear some couples set aside time to play Warhammer or dungeons and dragons. Personally I would rather get naked with my partner and have her gushing all over the ceiling but thats just me.
Setting aside dedicated time for each other helps to reconnect. How you use it is upto you. If communication has been poor set out parameters where you can talk openly and safely, free from interruption and give your partner the safe space to air her thoughts too. You will definitely learn a thing or two and at the very least she will give you some instructions on what she wants.
Now that those 2 admin points let's get to the serious business. I've never known a women be turned by me telling her that her eyes are beautiful while pinning her down. I can't imagine for 1 second the Rock goes to town on his partner and says something like your Devine heart centre is truly wonderful.
Of course he fucking doesn't. There is a reason women like bad boys. Some admittedly love the drama of it but for most it's the confidence. Confidence to take control, confidence to not be intimidated by their partner. Confidence to make mistakes and confidence to explore and see where the mood takes you.
The question now is how do we get you confident. You could get a therapist and talk for ages. Try a few talking exercises they promote you to try and waste 6 months and £120/hour talking or you can be a doer. You can take control of your destiny. You can invest in a mentor. Someone who can show you how to be a better lover, can educate you as to how to be better at intimacy and can help you become a magician in the orgasm giving department.
As I have got older Time has become more and more valuable and wasting it has become more and more annoying. I am of the opinion that all these aches and pains. The fucked back, the creaking joints are all a reminder to get off your ass and get on with living and get on with having fun. And if that is with your current partner show her.
When I first started Project-O it was with women's needs in mind originally. But as a life long coach it has become more apparent I can do just as much good helping men become better at massage and in turn intimacy. If you need a helping hand and want to learn the art of sensual massage give me a shout. I would be happy to help.
All Fingers and Thumbs
Gareth
